Make an Appointment: 504-715-0490 | Contact@BrandyUnger.com

Contact@BrandyUnger.com | 504-715-0490
Specialized support for couples in intense conflict — TX, LA, NJ, and FL

High-Conflict Couples Therapy

The pattern has taken on a life of its own. That can change.


Specialized therapy for couples in intense, escalating, or repetitive conflict. High conflict does not mean hopeless. But the window does not stay open forever.


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High-Conflict Couples Therapy

High-conflict relationships are different from relationships that are simply going through a hard time. You know the difference. The arguments escalate faster than either of you intends. Things get said that cannot be unsaid. One of you shuts down, or one of you cannot stop. And even in the quiet moments between the fights, something underneath is still running.

Some couples who reach out to me still love each other and cannot figure out how to stop hurting each other. Some have lost respect and are not sure if it can come back. Some are starting to wonder, quietly, whether the relationship is actually okay. Most are somewhere in a mix of all of that, and they are exhausted by it.

What they have in common is this: the pattern has taken on a life of its own, and they cannot get out of it on their own.

What Makes a Couple High-Conflict

High conflict is not just about fighting a lot. It is about a specific kind of cycle that repeats regardless of the topic. You could be arguing about the dishes or about something that actually matters and the pattern plays out the same way. That is the sign you are dealing with something structural, not just a disagreement that needs resolving.

It often looks like one or more of these things. Arguments that start small and accelerate quickly into something that feels much bigger. One partner attacking and one withdrawing, or both attacking, with no one able to slow it down. Contempt that has crept into how you talk to each other, even when you are not fighting. The same fight, over and over, with different words. Long silences or stretches of distance that feel more like a truce than actual peace. Children or other people in your life noticing the tension before you realize how visible it has become.

If this is your relationship, you are not beyond help. But this kind of conflict does require a therapist who knows how to work with it specifically, not someone using a general approach and hoping it fits.

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How I work

Three stages. In roughly this order. 

High-conflict couples need something different in the early sessions than most couples therapy provides. Going straight into deeper work before the pattern is interrupted usually just generates more conflict in the room. 

STOP THE ESCALATION FIRST

Before we can understand anything, we need to interrupt the cycle. Practical de-escalation tools, early warning signs, and how to step back before the conversation blows up. Not about suppressing what you feel. About creating enough space to actually talk.

UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FIGHTING IS ACTUALLY ABOUT

The topic is rarely the real issue. High-conflict couples are usually caught in an underlying cycle driven by unmet needs or deep fears that have never been named out loud. Once you understand your own cycle, the conflict starts to make sense in a different way. 

SLOW IT DOWN ENOUGH THAT YOU CAN HEAR EACH OTHER

The goal is not silence. It is communication that does not require one of you to win for the other to feel heard. That takes practice. It is entirely possible for couples who thought they were too far gone. 

GOTTMAN METHOD

Gottman Method tools for conflict patterns 

EMOTIONALLY FOCUSED THERAPY

Emotionally Focused Therapy for the cycle underneath 

IMAGO THERAPY

Imago Relational approaches for deeper understanding 

DISCERNMENT COUNSELING AND DIVORCE DECISION SUPPORT

A structured process to help you get clarity about your relationship and support for whatever you decide. 

High Conflict Does Not Mean Hopeless

The research on structured, specialized intervention for high-conflict couples is clear. It makes a meaningful difference. Couples who look like they have no road left find one.

What it requires is that both people are willing to try. Not willing to guarantee the relationship survives. Just willing to show up and do something different than what they have been doing.


Ready to try something different?


I offer a free 20-minute consultation. We will talk about what is going on and whether this kind of therapy makes sense for your situation. If something else would serve you better, I will tell you honestly. 

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